Friendship: Give & Take
At some point in our lives, each of us has had to face the disappointment of relationships that were not what we were expecting. I personally have had more than one friend that I treated and thought of as family who turned upon me in one way or another. Eventually, I got to the point where I would not show my gentle side to people, and I would keep relationships light -- no attachments -- just to prevent getting hurt. By putting up that wall, I met many people who might have been true friends had I invested some time and emotion into those relationships. Trying to protect myself, I lost chances at friendships, and I ended up regretting not being myself around others. I have come to believe that a gentleman can only live his best life by being as honestly himself as possible. So life has taught me a few lessons. Recently I came across a sermon from TD Jakes. His analysis of relationships was so valuable to me that I would like to share part of it with you. No matter what religion or belief system you may espouse, I believe we can all find truth in his words.
TD Jakes divides relationships into four categories as follows (video):
1. Confidants.
Confidants are those people in your life who love you unconditionally. They love you for the long haul. They don’t care about your money, status, weight, looks or lifestyle. They’re the people who will come bail you out of jail, or pick you up from the bowling alley when your date is drunk and won’t let you drive. They will eat ice cream with you even if they’re on a diet if you need to share comfort food and to talk during your divorce. However, they will also confront you on your stuff, refuse to carry your emotional baggage if it hurts you, and they will be honest with you about the way you look in that outfit, even if you look horrible. If you have 2-3 confidants in a lifetime you are blessed. They are your soul mate type friends. These people are the ones you tell your dreams to. They are the ones who support your dream, encourage your dream and respect your dream in ways that show they love your dream because they love you. When you’re happy, they’re happy for you. These are the people who will weep with you, walk with you and be there for you unconditionally.
2. Constituents.
Constituents are with you, and for you, but only for as long as you are for what they are for. They are not for you. They are for what you are for. If you are for mother’s rights, stricter traffic laws in a neighborhood with lots of children, more oversight of local politicians, better working environments or whatever, and they are for it too, they will join you. They will be your friend and constituent, but they are not your confidant. If they meet someone who can help them more than you can, they will leave you for that person. They will leave you because they are not for you; they are for what you are for. If you mistake them as your confidants, they will hurt you because you will mistakenly assume they care about you. If you have children who have gone on to the next grade in school, only to find their “best friend” in the last grade is now ignoring them, it’s probably because they weren’t your child’s confidant, but a constituent. They were for getting through that grade, for getting someone to sit with at lunch, and for all the things children are for. That can feel a lot like being a confidant. Adults at conferences, workshops and projects can experience the same thing. Be careful. Constituents are not evil (generally) but they are not for you. They are for whatever it was or is that brought you together – be it a job, a political cause or a class.
They are there with you, not for you
3. Comrades.
Comrades are those people you’re thrown together with for some reason, mostly work related. You have one thing in common — your jobs and the company goals, but other than that, there is nothing that would attract you to each other unless you shared that common connection. You alternately share the experience of both the comrades (being for something) and the compatriot (being against something). You may meet someone who has the potential to become a confidant, but it’s not likely. It can feel that way, but remove the work passion/component and pretty soon you discover you don’t really have a lot in common. This is why young marriages break up. When you’re both in college, or at a new job, it can feel like you’re soul mates, but you’re really just buzzing on the one big thing you have in common. Unless you share interests, respect and a genuine love for the other person and they do the same with you, chances are you’re not confidants.
4. Compatriots.
Compatriots, like comrades, are the people who are against what you are against. They are, like scaffolding. They come in when something needs to be done, and then leave when the job or task or fight is over. If you’re fighting against a local zoning change, or the building of a Wal-Mart or big box retailer in your neighborhood, or trying to get a pedophile evicted, or an abuser arrested and charged, you and those around you are compatriots. That’s not to say you might find someone who also turns out to be a confidant, but don’t immediately assume that because you’re both passionately against the city cutting down all the trees on your street to avoid electrical lines, that you’re suddenly the best of friends. Jakes says, don’t be sad when the scaffolding is removed, or the constituents leave, because the building and the thing you accomplished together still remain. But there were there for a “reason and a season,” not for a lifetime nor for you.
What happens when you think someone is a confidant, and they turn out to be a compatriot, a comrade, or a constituent? It can be painful, embarrassing, and emotional in so many ways. I know. Until I heard this talk, I had no idea why I was such a “bad friend”. It turns out that early on, I was treating everyone like a confidant when they were really a constituent or a compatriot. And later, when I had the wall up, I wasn’t letting anyone in close enough to find a true confidant. In both ways, I wasn’t paying attention to how people were reacting to me. When I was looking for a confidant and helped people and wept with them and supported them and they did not return that to me, they were obviously not looking for me to be a confidant. And later, when I held everyone at a distance, if someone was looking to make a close friend, a confidant, I pushed them away.
How do you begin to understand which relationships will fall into each category? With time and experience. If you share a dream or an experience with a person, watch their reaction to gather information about their commitment to you. Does the person hesitate? Does he or she seem less than enthused? Then that person has no desire to travel your path with you. They have no desire to be a confidant. They will either: (1) take your dream, make it their own, and go after it no matter what that does to you, (2) subtly and perhaps even subconsciously sabotage you, or (3) they will say nothing and/or do very little, because they do not care about your dreams or plans. They have dreams and plans of their own. They may even be jealous of your plans and dreams because they are in competition with you, and may try to tear you down or gossip about you to others to pump themselves up. These are people that you can not trust with your soul or your dreams.
Compatriots, comrades, and constituents are not usually bad people; they just are not your confidants. Learn to tell the difference. Why? It will save you time, resources, heartache, and opportunity.
